im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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