The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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