O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
