she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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