my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
