My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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