Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
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