Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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