I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
