Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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