one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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