Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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