Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
