I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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