i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
