i wish starbucks made bloody marys
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
