Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize