you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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