Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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