woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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