Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
as a side note pls kill me
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