woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Hippo gnu deer
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
