I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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