apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize