There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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