I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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