the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Panties = found
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
