you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
