So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
