Already got asked if we're dating
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
