Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
