hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Sorry about my life...
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
