she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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