In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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