She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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