i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
