I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Someone signed my nipple.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
