Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
