I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
