You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
My ATM looks so different sober.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
