Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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