if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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