You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
