I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Still dying that you shit outside
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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