Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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