If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Randomize
