But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
