I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
