my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
