So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
