Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
