Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
