someone threw a dead crab at me
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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