did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
