So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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