I accidentally burped into my bong.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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