I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
