my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize