you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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