UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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