I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just found a bag of teeth...
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
