Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
