just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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